If someone you love is drinking
You are probably exhausted. You may feel angry, frightened, helpless, or all of those at once. You may have tried everything you can think of. You are not alone in this, and the situation is not hopeless.
If you or someone you know needs help right now:
What you are dealing with
Living with someone who drinks too much is one of the most difficult experiences a person can face. It affects every part of your life: your sleep, your finances, your relationships with other people, your sense of safety, your ability to trust. It is common to feel responsible for the other person's drinking, or to believe that if you just tried harder, said the right thing, or loved them better, the problem would stop.
It is important to know that you did not cause this, and you cannot fix it alone. Problem drinking involves patterns that go deeper than willpower or good intentions. Understanding those patterns can help you respond more effectively, protect yourself and your family, and create conditions in which change becomes possible.
Claude Steiner spent decades working with people affected by alcoholism, both those who drank and those who loved them. His approach offers a way of understanding what is happening that many people find clearer and more empowering than the explanations they have encountered before.
A different way of understanding alcoholism
Most approaches to alcoholism treat it as a disease that can only be managed, never cured. Steiner challenged this view directly. Drawing on Transactional Analysis and his clinical experience, he argued that alcoholism follows predictable patterns (he called them "scripts" and "games") that can be identified, understood, and ultimately changed.
In his view, people who struggle with alcohol are not fundamentally broken. They are following learned patterns of behaviour that serve a psychological purpose, often rooted in early life experiences. Once those patterns become visible, they lose much of their power.
This is not a claim that overcoming alcoholism is easy. It is a claim that it is possible, and that understanding the underlying dynamics is the first step.
Understanding the patterns
In Transactional Analysis, a "game" is a recurring pattern of interaction that follows a predictable sequence and ends with both people feeling bad. Steiner identified specific patterns that commonly appear in families affected by alcoholism.
These are not trivial or playful. They are deeply ingrained dynamics where people unconsciously take on roles: the person who drinks, the person who rescues, the person who persecutes, and the person who suffers. The rescuer covers for missed commitments, shields from consequences, and manages the chaos, all from genuine care, but the effect is to make it easier for the drinking to continue. The persecutor responds with anger and ultimatums, but the confrontation can become part of a cycle that provides justification for more drinking.
Steiner's insight was that the person with the drinking problem is not the only one caught in these patterns. Family members, friends, and even professionals can become part of dynamics that inadvertently sustain the problem. This is not about blame. It is about seeing clearly enough to make different choices. Recognising your own role is as important as understanding theirs.
Books that can help
Steiner wrote two books specifically about alcoholism. They approach the subject from different angles, and either is a good starting point.
Healing Alcoholism
1979
Written for a general audience, this is the more accessible of the two books. It explains Steiner's approach in plain language and offers practical guidance for both the person who drinks and the people around them. If you are looking for one book to start with, this is it.
View book →Games Alcoholics Play
1971
Steiner's first book, and the more analytical of the two. It uses Transactional Analysis to examine the specific interpersonal patterns that sustain problem drinking. More detailed and theoretical than Healing Alcoholism, but illuminating for those who want to understand the dynamics in depth.
View book →Crisis resources and helplines
If you or someone you care about is in crisis, these services offer confidential support. All are free to call.
United Kingdom
- Drinkline Free, confidential helpline 0300 123 1110
- Al-Anon UK Support for families and friends 0800 0086 811 al-anonuk.org.uk
United States
- SAMHSA National Helpline Free referrals and information, 24/7 1-800-662-4357
- Al-Anon Support for families and friends al-anon.org
New Zealand
- Alcohol Drug Helpline Free, confidential support 0800 787 797
Australia
- DirectLine 24-hour alcohol and drug support 1800 888 236
Understanding more
If you would like to understand Steiner's approach in more detail, these pages explain the ideas behind his work on alcoholism.
- Steiner's approach to alcoholism A fuller account of how he applied TA to understanding and treating problem drinking.
- Transactional Analysis The psychological framework that underpins Steiner's approach.
- Life Scripts The unconscious life plans that often underlie addictive patterns.
You are not alone in this
Steiner's work offers a path. Start with the ideas, read the books, and know that understanding is the first step towards change.